Beale Street Music Fest 2019

Well another Beale Street Music Fest has come to a close and after taking a day to recuperate, I have time to put some thoughts together on the 2019 event.

First off…..This is a young man’s game. Every year it seems it takes a little longer for me to pop back up on a Monday. Typically I sleep in Monday and I am good to go by mid-afternoon. Not the case this year. This year I slept in on Monday till 9:30. Got up and left the park. Came home and showered till the hot water ran out. I then pulled up my email on my recliner and started cleaning out the 137 emails I had gotten since Thursday night. A lot of them were from bands that never came through. The email system at the park is horrible. Around 1:00 PM I noticed that I was just staring at the computer screen and had no idea what I was in the process of doing. I just needed to rest my eyes……From 1:15 to 3:00 Apparently. I woke up. Jumped out of bed and raced to get Kendall for her golf practice. She gets out of school at 3:00 so I was going to be cutting it a little tight. I flew the entire way. About half way there a friend calls to tell me that she saw Kendall sitting in pick up line and Kendall asked if she would call to remind me I was picking her up. Thank you Kathy, let her know I am on the way. 5 minutes later I get a call from an unknown 901 number. “Daddy…..Where are you?” Calm down little person. I am on the way. I show up to a disappointed face and a 15 minute trip to practice with a whole lot of 11 year old attitude. Golf is over and we go pick up the blonde child, meet out for dinner because there is nothing in our house to eat the month of May. Go home to put the girls to bed and watch TV. Kristi keeps yelling at me because I am not fast forwarding through the commercials. I realize I don’t even know what we are watching and call it a night. I then proceed to sleep for 10 hours. 3 day festivals…..A young man’s game.

I am also getting a little out of touch with today’s music. Dave Matthews Band? Got it! Loved him in college until a roommate of mine decided that we should play DMB all hours of the day at the highest volume on repeat for an entire year. That will take it out of you. I know a ton of their songs based only on the fact that is was burned into my soul on a daily basis. One Republic? Yeah. I’ve heard their stuff. Pretty nice if you ask me. Kendall likes them and that means it gets approval to be played in the vehicles when I drive. In This Moment - Shinedown? HELL YEAH. The only bands I really wanted to see (Didn’t of course because my committee actually works during shows) Echosmith? MY KIDS LOVE THEM! Kendall loves the songs and Kenzley is amazed by the perfect hair of the lead singer. A trip to that stage with the girls was inevitable. Flogging Molly? YUP! They host the takeover on Sirius XM during St. Patrick’s Day week and it drives the girls NUTS that we listen to Irish drinking songs for a week. Good Charlotte, Everclear, Saving Able. All good bands and I know their songs. BUT this is a 3 day event. Who the hell are the Killers? What does a G-Easy sing? What is a Rainbow Kitten Surprise? Trippie Redd? I thought that was the newest Sam Adams seasonal beer. Cardi B? Isn’t she that stripper? I set out on a mission to find out. 

The Killers are Pre-Madonna jack holes who I don’t care in the least to ever run into again. There are three of these cats and they had us steppin and fetchin for 3 days straight across 39 separate vehicle requests. What the hell? “Oh the group HAS to ride in an SUV.” “Oh we feel crowded if there are more that 3 people in a van” “Oh we need to start two days in advance of our show, please” Screw these guys. Never went to their show. 

G-Easy is a white dude. G-Easy is a white dude that “raps”. I went to watch G-Easy. I’ll never go back. He was sweating like a whore in church 2 songs into his performance. His performance was basically a recording of him and others singing and every once in a blue moon he would put the microphone to his mouth and sing along with the lyrics.

He had pyrotechnics to take away from that, so every time he mentioned his junk some fireworks would go off. Every time he talked about his bitches some smoke would billow off the stage. Everytime he talked about what his bitches do to his junk they would both go off. It was like the 4th of July on his stage. The only real good part about it, because he isn’t talented. 

Rainbow Kitten Surprise is still a mystery to me. I never got to go check them out. To be honest with you I believe it’s an Asian Breakfast Cereal that you DO NOT want to try.

Trippie Redd is a rapper. A black rapper. I understood nothing he said and can offer no comments about the content of his music. However he falls into my Lil’ Jon philosophy just nicely. If you have no talent, you have no ability to craft lyrical poetry and you want to be rich……Get face tattoos and look like a complete idiot. That is how you get rap money these days. This cat looked like a tattoo parlors scratch pad. Seriously. Is this what rap has devolved into? I mean where are the KRS1 types? The Public Enemy types? The Missy Elliots? The Tupacs? The Biggies? I mean they had a message. They had some poetry in their words. These guys today? Not so much. Just wanna be gangsters talking about all the ass they get and the money they have. He mumbles through a few “songs” and I walked away with a headache. ½ because of the music ½ because of the skunk weed these kids are smoking these days.

Cardi-B.

What to say about Cardi-B? I am not a fan. I knew of her stripper past and thought….Well to each their own right? I read some of her thoughts on our President and thought….Well everyone is entitled to their opinion. BUT having sat through her 45 minute set….She is just not a good person. I have long had a problem with modern rap and the crap it heaps on the female gender. (How women listen to it is beyond me) After listening to her songs, I have to say the same thing about her. It’s just not good advice. I thought of my girls and what I would say to them if they thought this way. I thought the “female empowerment” message she was trying to get across, but it falls on deaf ears. It's basically a tribute to her money, her sex and her self importance.

I researched it a little bit and I get that she is in a "Top Bitch" fight with Nicki Minaj, another horrible person for kids to look up to, but DAMN. Give it a rest already. Every one of her songs started off with “This is for my nasty hoes” or “This is for my bitches trying to get that money” or “This is for fucking n*#$ers trying to fuck with a bitch like me” followed by pretty not so good music and flow. I mean the beat is good, some of her songs are catchy, but I don’t want my kids listening to that crap. And her performance was shit!! DMB for example had a start to finish show. It transitioned from one to another pretty seamlessly.

This chick just sang one song and then another. It went 1)This song is for……something repulsive. 2) Fast lyrics I can’t understand. 3)Here is my ass. Watch while I twerk and grind on the floor. 3) Rap airhorn and glass breaking. (Seriously I thought Stone Cold Steve Austin was coming out at one point. That would be AWESOME!!! Stunner on the Cardi-B!!!!) She showed up. She started late. She went through the motions. She walked off stage. She got into an SUV and was off the park before the crowd realized she was NOT coming back for any sort of an encore. Just not the way to end Music Fest. 

I love this event and I love volunteering for the event, but I sure hope next year’s line up has more people I know and less Thug Rap wannabes. Although I am not holding my breath. 

ADDENDUM:

Dear Baby Jesus! Leave out a few items and the world becomes unhinged. Here. Calm Down!!!

The THUGLIFE STAGE - Sunday May 5th

Oh where to start on the stage that truly represents the Memphis music scene? The line up for the day consisted of Fast Cash Boys - NLE Choppa - Madison Beer - Moneybagg Yo - 6Lack - Cardi B. ($20 if you know who any of these people outside of the aforementioned stripper turned stripper with a microphone.....)

This is on the south stage. The south stage entrance is 20 feet from my transportation tent/volunteer shade spot. The entire stage has to come past us to get into the backstage. In the number of years I have been doing this, we have ever had major problems with one genre of music. (Hint....It's not the 80's one hit wonder genre or country) This day would prove to be the highlight of stupidity on display. 

We start with Fast Cash Boys......Who I referred to as 877-Cash-Now. Because I couldn't remember their name. Apparently they have a following in Memphis and I can see why. Their biggest hit repeats the same 9 words over and over for 41 seconds while they flash their stacks of Benjamins for the crowd.....Any Who.

These people have employed the help of local douche bag who I will name Black Outfit as I never got his name. Black Outfit is working with a MIM guy for this stage and he brings in a car load of thuglets in training all of whom are Snapchatting the entire process. Now. Apparently some of the kids missed the short thug bus and needed us to go get them, so we went on golf carts and brought more mensa candidates to the stage. Mistake #1. None had credentials and Black Outfit never told us that. So in rolls security to escort them out of back stage after their set is over. Once they were told they had to leave they dispersed like cockroaches when you turn on the light. Security tried to wrangle them all up and get them out of the park, but it was futile. They were everywhere and would pop up like ticks throughout the day. We were dealing with this the entire time NLE Choppa was on stage and I never got to see him which kinda ticked me off as I missed "Shotta Flow". You can't miss "Shotta Flow" it's poetry.....I'm sticked up, like a blind man. I'm super hot, like a frying pan. He said that he gon' take some from me. Ayy, just know, he lyin' man. I'ma up from my hip then blow like a whistle. Your bitch suckin' dick like a Kool-Aid pickle....I mean suck it Edger Allen!!!

Madison Beer comes and goes without any incident short of all the luxuries he asked for in terms of pickups from my people. Dude....You're one song above really just needing to take an Uber to the show. Get in this van and shut up. But during that time the Black Outfit begins to show out. He brings in Moneybagg Yo's mom. (Never saw dad) After getting her backstage with her credentials (he learned from the 877-Cash-Now incident) he walks back out with a bunch of "new" credentials to go get some other people.  At this point he begins to get a little irked by my volunteers who won't give him a ride. His reply.... "I hope none of you wake up tomorrow...." Nice Dude. Real Nice.

This becomes a thorn in his side as his hustle is exposed and his people are starting to revolt. Moneybagg Yo's manager gets in his face and apparently he decides to take that out on yours truly. While eating an apple he decides to confront me about why he can't get rides up and down the hill all day like he's at the frickin' fair and has unlimited golf cart ride tickets. "Listen man. I have been instructed by Memphis in May to NOT give a ride to ANYONE that is NOT A MUSICIAN." (For this stage the term musician is a dramatic stretch) This is not what he wants to hear. "Man. I'm his Tour Manager" Not a musician. "Man I gotta get these people down here" Not musicians. "Man you're employees suck!!!" We're not employees. We are Volunteers. "Well you can take the V out of that mother fucker" As he spits apple. I walk off to go get security again.......Thinking what the hell does that mean.

Maneybagg Yo is here with an entourage. Black Outfit figures he can just pack them into cars like clowns and bring them in. NOPE. We stop them at the gate to ask for credentials for the people. The parking pass is just for the car. This is the straw that broke the Yo's back. At this point we get word from the festival entrance that there are 7 vehicles staged up top and they are moving. Nobody is going to stop them. They come through the crowd and roll past the volunteers who stay the hell out of the way as well as security who is basically a toothless old lioness. We need a police presence at top of the hill and backstage. I make that call. 6 more cars blow past the gate and 6 more cars come down to our compound. We have at this point barricaded the backstage area and they cannot bring the vehicles in soooooo they abandon them and get out on foot. Past me. Past the toothless lioness and roll 40 deep onto the stage. 2 or 3 songs into the set the wonderful MPD shows up in force (4 dudes) easy to see what is going on. We point to the stage. We point to the cars. We point to the mass of people milling around. "We're going to need more guys." says one of the officers. 

"You needed more guys here when JG Wentworth booked the first band ya moron"
"Excuse me?"
"Nothing sir....."

Hell even 6Lack's manager asked us what the hell we were thinking on this stage. He started pointing out the bands and said. "I would have never had these three on the same stage" Thank you Mr. Black or 6 Black or Six Lack or whatever the hell your name is.

I feel your pain Wicked Witch of the East..... I feel your pain!

I love Pickwick, TN.

I have a ton of great memories from that place as well as some not so great ones.

Fishing with my Grandfather......Jumping out of the boat with John Shields......Spending the weekend with Steve Carpenter and Buddy Page.....Boating with my wife and kids. Theses are some great memories. These are the trips where I came home with a smile on my face.

Then there were some others.

Burying my dog behind the state park after she got hit by a car. Leaving the funeral of my mother....my grandmother.....my grandfather. These were times when I came home feeling a little empty.

This last weekend brought a little bit of both.

I typically stay away from Pickwick during the holiday weekends. The place is packed with idiots that have no idea how to drive a boat and are seriously a danger to be around. If I were to describe it to you it would have to be a UFC fight crowd in board shorts downing PBR and Jello shots. All while hooting and hollering at the 6 girls with daddy issues dancing on the boats to that annoying Wobble With It song. Even the cove we go to gets invaded. So it is a little much for me and the family.

Any who....

This 4th we decided to brave the Affliction and Tap Out crowds and head up to stay in my parents old house with the Dettmans and Lou. (Who saw his first deer. Seriously HIS FIRST ONE)
All in all we had a really good time.

We got to go Fishing on my Dad's Mako center console boat. Let's just say....I want one. If any of you know my family you know that we came from humble fishing beginnings. I remember the three things to double check for with my grandfather.

1) Is there extra gas on board? I didn't think me swimming with a tow rope in my hand and a boat behind me was all that fun.
2) Is the old coffee tin under the seat? Apparently it is not ok to just pee off the back of the boat when your morning oj hits its max level. that scares away the fish. That is what the tin is for. Just dump it out close to the water.
3) Is the wrench by the motor? I'm not sure what he hit or why he hit it, but when the motor went out that wrench got it going again.

We pulled the girls with the ski boat on the tube. NO not my girls, although Kendall did go once and we stayed calm. Fran's daughter and her kids were in town as well. I pulled her son, her two daughters and her niece. At 30 mph in a hard right turn you can hit a scream level unheard of with two teenager girls on that tube. One skipped across the water like a good skipping stone. One shot up in the air like she was a clown coming out of the cannon at a circus. The son got bounced and had one hand still holding the strap while he was being pulled on his back. The only thing keeping him from letting go was his budding man ego. At 16 that lasts for 5 seconds at 35 mph.

We floated in the water listening to great music and had a nice couple of days eating on the pontoon boat. But as all good weekends do, this one came to an end and it was time to go.

Now leaving is a pretty straight up process. Get up, clean up and go home. Problem is that there are a lot of people attempting that very thing and sometimes it is easier to wait the crowd out. So we did. At the pool. With Beer. Damn.

My boat extraction team consists of myself and Kristi. That is it. No others need apply. It's our boat. We got it. Except WE didn't get it this particular Sunday. Kristi was not up for boat exfiltration duty and wanted to skip out on her duties. She tempted me with an extra day of fishing BY MYSELF if I stayed and got it out BY MYSELF on Monday.....DONE!

Monday morning rolls around and I realize that at 38 with a wife and two kids....Sometimes a quiet sleep in is just as AWESOME as a few hours of fishing.....So I slept. I got up. I cleaned up. I got the boat on the trailer and Memphis here I come...............Then the house fell on me.

Well not really on me, but the house fell.

This genius pulls out in front of me on 350 driving a busted old truck and pulling the house from The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Hwy 350 is the first small leg of my return trip home. It is a 15 mile stretch that connects you to 45 and it is hilly. My only though when I saw him pull in front of me was "Great. I'm going to be on this road for some time!" I was right. The first thing I noticed was that they didn't clean the pine needles off the roof before they loaded the house on the trailer. Large clumps of matted pine needles showered my car as we drove. I then noticed that the siding wasn't doing a great job of keeping a lot of the insulation in because the pine needles were mixing with chunks of pink. The third thing I noticed was a wheel shooting out from the back right side of the house and plowing into the woods........Wait what the duce? Was that a wheel?

Yes it was. The WHEEL FROM THE TRAILER CAME OFF AT 30 MILES PER HOUR.

Nobody stopped. I slowed down. Shortly there after the house lurched onto it's right and began dragging on the ground. I was so caught up in this that I failed to notice the shredded and broken brake assembly. The drum was split in two and the brake shoes where scattered as well. I felt a bump and kept on snapping pictures as I creped by...Laughing.

Hello Karma.

3/4 of a mile the trailer begins to shudder and I feel it. The back right tire going down. I have a flat tire on the boat trailer. I pull off the side of the road and practice my French.

I remember my dad saying he had a meeting at 11:45. It was 11:21 so I felt sure I could catch him.....If we had ANY F*#*(NG CELL SERVICE ON THIS ROAD! I finally find a rock to stand on and get one bar. Dad gets the broken message that I need a tire company and texts me they are on the way. 20 minutes later I get another text. Can I give him a specific location? My "On the side of the road" isn't good enough so I set out with the dog to read the road marker 1/2 mile down the road. I plop back in the car drenched and let him know where they can find me. I put in the book I am listening to and settle into the air conditioner. It should be soon.

It isn't. An hour passes and I realize that I have been taking inventory of my car rather that listening to my book. I have 1 dog, 8 Dr. Peppers. a case of warm water, Ponchos cheese dip, a bag of chips, 3 fishing poles, 2 guns 36 assorted beers and a carton of egg whites. I'll be ok. No need to start talking to Volleyballs just yet. I'll just go back a few chapters and pick it up again. Kristi texts....Anything? Nope. Dad Texts...Anything? Nope.

Finally they arrive and begin to change my tire. This process takes a little longer than expected because the tire is on the rim very well and they have a problem getting it off the bead.  They wack it with a hammer. Nothing. They pull out the big wrenches and try to move it off the rim. Nothing. They try jumping on it. At which point I start laughing. The kid is around 150 and the lady is at best 100 lbs. We would have a better chance if they both jumped on it, but that would send me over. They finally get the tire off, get a new one on and have me road worthy again.  I give them all the water I have in the boat because they are both soaked and are telling me they have to go down the road next to a trailer stuck on the side of the road.

"Yeah that happened right in front of me. That's what I ran over to get this flat."

They pull off and I hit the road. 2 HOURS LATER!!!

Time to check in. As soon as I get a signal I call Kristi to tell her I am ok. As we are speaking a call from New Albany comes over my caller id......Voice mail! I call dad next and let him know I am ok.

"Glad to hear it son. Say did the Mississippi Highway Patrol get in touch with you?"
"No. Why are they looking for me?"
"Something about a house on the side of the road"
The New Albany number. I quickly check voice mail and sure enough.....
"Mr. Thomas this is Officer So and So call ing about this house on the side of the road. The tire company said you witnessed the accident and we are hoping that you can help identify the vehicle that was pulling the trailer?

WHAT?

I call back.

"This is Chris Thomas. You called?"
"Yes sir this is officer So and So. I understand you saw what happened with the house here on 350?"
"Yes sir it happened right in front of me. Do you need me to come back"
"No sir I just want to get a description of the vehicle pulling the trailer."
"Is it not there?"
"No Mr. Thomas when we showed up there was nothing but a busted up old crappy house sitting half on the road and half on this trailer with no tire."

It was an obvious case of an "Oz and Run"

"Well sir. I believe I can help you Would I be in any real trouble if I told you I took pictures of the whole thing as I drove by?"
"Hell no that would be a big help. Is there a picture of the truck?
"Both of them. No tags or people, but the lead car and the follow car. I got Cleatus and the Bandit's car in the picture"
"Send them to my personal cell phone."
"Will do"

I sent the pictures and he told me he would help me get a statement drawn up so I could recoup my $270 for the new tire.

I got a call this morning from officer So and So. They caught the drivers of both cars and they are facing a whole lot of problems. My pictures sealed the deal and helped them identify who left the house on the side of 350.

The long arm of the law has a name boys and berries and today that name....

CHRISTOPHER MICHAEL THOMAS
CSI
Counce, TN division.

 

 

My run in with Toshiba's Customer Service

So from time to time my wife hears me tell a story and says I should share it with the like three people that actually read these things. This is one of those times. The problem in this story is that

1) It was was a very grown up conversation which had a slew of inappropriate language.
2) There are voices that I can do in person, but cannot replicate in print.

SOOOOOOO

1)The adult language will be replaced with well know fruit.
2) The level of speakable English  will be reflected in a 0-10 scale with 0 being horrible and 10 being perfect. (There are no 10's in this story)

This is your only disclaimer. If you are not a fan of bad language........Go here.
If you think it is cruel of me to mimic Indians (The dot kind not the feather kind...they rock).......Go Here

We begin

My hp has been dropped on the ground more times than I can recall. I have had this laptop for 5 years. It has grown up with Kendall and needless to say it has seen it's fair share of Kendall. It isn't her fault as much as mine. I left it in the chair, on the arm rest of the recliner on a TV tray....you name a precarious space and I have left it there. The other day I noticed the speed was slower than usual and the images were getting fuzzy. I have been investigating some low end laptops and decided it was time to purchase a new one.

Off the Office Depot I went to pick up my Toshiba that had gone on sale. The process was relatively quick and I was back home shortly with my new laptop. Yeah!!!

I fired this bad boy up only to be introduced to Window's 8. A brand new windows platform. Just what I never wanted. This thing is horrible!! It took me a minute to catch my breath before the automatic "Set up your laptop" process began. I went through all the steps till I hit the submit registration button at which time I received an error message. I wasn't connected to the Internet. I followed the bass ackwards directions on how to find the Internet icon and clicked the Thomas connection. I entered my password and viola.....Nothing.

What the duce?

I tried again.......Nothing.
I tried another computer and nothing.........COMCAST!!!!

Kristi called Satan's Cable Company and they online chatted to a fix whilst I was at a lunch meeting. Upon my arrival the problem had been fixed. All the laptops in the house were connected to the Internet.......except the new one. I tried all the fixes I knew and came to conclusion that this was above my pay grade and I needed help. Luckily for me there was a number for "Customer Support" on the box. The following is the conversation that followed.

The people I am talking to will be in Red
My speech will remain in Black
My brain's comments will be in Blue

Thank you for holding this is Daniel can I help you? (Daniel ranks a 7 on previously posted English meter)
Hey Daniel I am having a problem connecting my new laptop to the Internet and am looking for some assistance.
Have to tried our online forums and support? They typically have all the related information there on line.
What the apple? Did you not hear my problem?
No due to the fact that I cannot connect to the Internet.
Well that is a relatively easy solution most of the time and you have reached the level 3 support center.
GREAT then you will be more than qualified to help me resolve this issue.
Well it is not the typical assistance we provide. There can be a number of issues why it is not getting a wireless signal. It could be....
Wait Daniel. I am getting the wireless signal. I see all kinds of bars on the screen, but when I go to connect to any webpage it says the connection to the Internet is not working. The router and the computer can see each other they just won't talk to each other.
I understand. Again I am a level three support operator and can work through these issues with you.
What is with this guy and his level 3 status?
Is he trying to sound all important or is he really happy to be a level 3 guy. Does he rub it in the faces of level 1 and 2 guys? Is he that guy? Who has two thumbs and kicks the pineapple out of level 1 and 2 guys?
This guy!!!

Ok great.

It looks like you have a service warranty on your laptop for the first year.
Correct
It is a level one warranty and I am a level 3 service provider. We can certainly handle this issue for you. The problem is that your router probably supports windows 7 but is not set up for windows 8. We would need to go into your router and have it updated to accept wireless signals from the Windows 8 platform.
Sounds great, but will that mess up my other devices that are currently on that router?
I am not sure sir, I do not know what other devices are on the router.
Well there goes all level 3 points there sparky.
Ok well keep this in mind while we work on this problem, because if those get messed up I am going to be a little upset.
OK sir. For this to occur you are going to need our level 3 support plan which is $165 for one year and you get 3 phone calls and a full year of online support. We guarantee all our support will resolve 100% of your problems.
Fine let's.....Wait what?
For this to occur you are going to need our level 3 support plan which is $165 for one year and you get 3 phone calls and a full year of online support. We guarantee all our support will resolve 100% of your problems.
No. We're not going to be doing that. I don't need to pay you to fix a problem with your machine. Let me talk to whomever can help me for free.
Sir you have a level one warranty and
Ok hook me up with one of those guys.
Sir they will not be able to help you at that level.
Why not?
It is not something a level one support member can fix.
Have you ever given them the opportunity?
Sir?
Have you ever walked down the hall to the level one room and just said. "Who wants to step it up?"
Ummmm
I'm done with this guy and need to get above his head, but I might as well have some fun with him while getting there. Reminds me of my old recruiting days.
Daniel, somewhere in that room is a level 1 guy who dreams of fixing the big problems. The router and windows 8 problems. Someone who dreams of greatness and you have the opportunity to give him a shot. Let's do it together Daniel. Me and you. It'll fix my problem. He will have a great day and you get the warm feeling associated by helping others. It's a win all around.
.........
Daniel?
Yes. I'm still here. Ummm would you like to proceed with the level 3 service plan?
No. I'm not paying you guys any money. Can you fix this problem for me WITHOUT me paying for it?
No sir.
Then I am done with you. Let me speak to a manager.
I'm not sure one is available sir.
I'm sure there is one somewhere around there.
I'm not sure who I would put you in contact with sir.
OK if someone in your office walked up and slapped you grapes out of you who would you go report that to?
Sir?
The person you would go crying  to.....Put him on the phone.
Hold please.
Stupid. See this is what happens when you have a government that drives up the price of labor with high taxes and crap regulations. I bet this level 3 cat gets a decent amount of money for where he lives. It wouldn't support a family here in the US. That's why they go overseas for "support centers"
Meanwhile I'm sitting here wasting time talking to...
Hello? This is Bangalin (English level 4)
I'm sorry? Who am I speaking to?
Bangalin.
Wow. Ok are you a manager?
Yes sir one of the managers of the level 3 support group.

Jesus! I bet these guys have t-shirts and secret hand shakes.
Ok. Did Daniel tell you my problem?
Yes sir and unfortunately it is a problem that requires level 3 support. I understand the fee is a problem.
Yes. See I bought an item from you and your item doesn't work. I think that making sure that item works should be free of charge.
Is there a problem with the computer?
Yes it is not connecting to the Internet.
That is a problem with the router and Windows 8 sir. Not the computer.
Ohhhhhh we want to play this game? Bring it Bangalin!!!
Not your computer?
Yes sir.
Windows 8 came installed on the computer.
Yes sir.
I didn't install it. You guys did. It is a function of your product, therefore it is a problem with your product. If it was a third party install I would be calling them. It's not. It's your computer that isn't talking to my router.
Sir. What router are you using?
AirPort
How old is it?
4 years old.
Sir some of the older routers are not Windows 8 compliant and therefore need to be upgraded.
Great let's do that.
Sir that is an issue with your router.
No. It's sill an issue with Toshiba. I mean you guys did know there were routers already in the marketplace correct?
Yes sir but we
I figured you did. I mean you being a level 3 guy and all.
Sir?
And a manager at that. Way to go. Big step. So now that we are both on the same page.....let's fix my problem.
Sir the only way to do that is through our level 3 support package and you don't want to pay that.
Why the bananas would I pay that?
Sir?
Why? I purchased your product. Your product isn't compatible with existing technology. You apparently know this and have set up an awesome level 3 staff to deal with it. You then want to charge me a fee to get this service when I was under the impression that it would work when I bought it. That's some mob mango right there.
Sir you have a level 1 warranty.
Well then tell a level 1 guy to fix my problem.
That is not what they do.
Well what the strawberry do they do?
This isn't going to work. I'm not going to get this fixed. I could quit now or just make myself feel better by abusing this guy.............I'm not a quitter.
Sir they deal with issues such as..
I want to talk to one.
Sir?
I want to talk to one. Put one on the line.
I'm afraid they cannot help you.
Then give me my money back.
What money?
My level 1 warranty money.
It comes free with all purchases.
Something that does me no good is free, but something that could actually help me is going to cost me extra?
Yes sir.
That's your business model?
........
Where do we go from here?
I'm afraid that there is nothing I am allowed to do.
What can I do?
We have a complaint department.
Oh I kiwing bet you do with the crap customer service I'm getting.
Put them on the line.
It is a recording
What is
You would record your complaint and someone would get back to you.
......
Sir?
Yeah I'm still processing that one. Sit tight.
.....
So your saying that I cant even rasin out a person at this point? I have to record this and hope someone calls me back?
Yes sir.
Tell me when you are ready to record.
Hold on.

"Hi this is the Toshiba complaint line. We are sorry you are having problems with out Toshiba line of products. Please leave a detailed description of your problem and someone will get back to you shortly." (English 6)

BULL ORANGES!! You don't care I'm having problems. If you guys did you would help me fix those problems. But no here I sit talking to a blackberry machine while the level 3 jack apricots laugh in my face. What the cherry kind of company is this? I get a laptop that can't connect to the Internet because of the bull date windows 8 you put on it and you tell me that's not your fault? If this is so common HONEYDEW FIX IT! I bought your computer because I thought it was a good value. I have since found out that it might be a good computer with some glitches, but the desire of the company to fix these problems is Grapefruit. Please call me back at 901- GO WATERMELON YOURSELF at your earliest convenience. If I am out leave a message as I am probably returning your Peach.

This entire post was typed on my old hp. I think I'll let Kenzley have a run at it for the next few years.

Rules People!! Follow the Rules

Rules.

Rules are important. Rules keep us safe. Rules allow for a society to know the boundaries within which it can exist. Rules (well most of them) are my friend.

Catholics like rules. It is in their blood. It’s taught from early childhood.

“Ok little Jimmy, when the priest says this…..you say this.”

“Ok little Jimmy it’s time for fasting. Here are the rules on that.”

“Ok little Jimmy it’s time for the sacrament. Here is how you partake.”

“Ok little Jimmy when this occurs you need to do the sign of the cross.”
(“But dad, how will I remember?” “Just remember: spectacles testicles wallet and watch”) For you Kristi.

I mean they have 10 pretty big rules that are hung in almost every Catholic school out there.

It is because of this that I get so angry with some of the mothers and fathers that drop off and pick up their kids at Kendall’s school. It’s like they are so overloaded with the rules of the church that they can’t keep up with the basic rules of how to release their children to the nuns and how to retrieve them.

Case in point:

I am not sure how, but I manage to wind up behind this one particular violator at least three times a week. I think he sits in the parking lot of the BP and pulls out in front of me as he sees me approach. Either that or he is pulling off some Jack Bauer like covert opps and he has a Chloe in his life to help him out.  Any who. This dude has no intention of following the rules. It’s like he doesn’t even care. 

The deal with car line is that it is a fluid process involving two way traffic and three separate lines of disbursal.  Now in order to accommodate all this traffic, the school relies on the Spice Nuns, Matlock and that big chick from the recent Hairspray movie. While this would not be my cast of characters, it is the ones that are responsible for this on a daily basis.

The first encounter is with aforementioned Hairspray movie girl. It’s like watching one of Kristi’s cats chase a laser pointer. There is a lot of movement, but no real sense of understanding.  She is at an intersection of egress and ingress. At her location there are pedestrians crossing the street, cars moving closer to the drop off line AND cars working to get OUT OF THE DROP OFF LINE.  It is a critical juncture and on most days she does a fine job. There are however days where traffic stands still. I cannot blame her for much of that because she is just a cog on the machine. Sometimes it is Matlock that is messing things up.

Matlock is an elderly gentleman and reminds me of my grandfather in the sense that he too took a job just to get out of the house. Matlock works the

only ingress gate of the whole operation. He has to allow traffic coming from both ways to enter and then be divided up to three separate lanes. It is an important area. HOWEVER, if he is off the whole system is off and sometimes he just dazes off and traffic backs up to the street. 

Then you get to the Spice Nuns. That’s right the Spice Nuns. There is Stern Spice Nun. She typically works the first crosswalk or the last crosswalk. Her hand motions tell you to stop, but you see the absolute seriousness of that command in her eyes! There is Sporty Spice Nun. More often than not, she is in a jump suit or some other fashionable form of active wear. She typically works the car doors and helps the children get their bags and get off to class. This is an important job and there are a number of back up nuns with Sporty Spice Nun. They are constantly moving.  Then you get to either Happy Spice Nun who is waiving you along the way and saying hello to everyone, (Seriously this is a VERY happy Nun.) or you get Flashy Spice Nun who is no doubt the art teacher based solely on her choice of attire.

So those are the players in my morning and who I rely on to keep the traffic moving and to reprimand the previously mentioned violator of the rules.

Every morning I get behind this man the same thing occurs. We make it passed Hairspray and Matlock with no problems, but the line being championed by Sporty Spice Nun and her back up Nuns is full. Typically we are stopped by Stern Spice Nun so the kiddos can walk across the first crosswalk. All good thus far, but I see danger coming. There is a lull in the flow and this is where my Religious Rule Breaker goes to work. The RULE is that you proceed past the first column and move to the front of the drop off line before you let your children out. Yes. Let your children leave the vehicle. Not get out and help them out, but rather let Sporty Spice Nun and her back up Nuns do their job. Not this cat. He pulls to the column and then proceeds to leave his massive vehicle, (which I have named the clown car due to the five kids that pile out and his Ole Miss sticker that is filled in with red and blue dots…..Really?) At this point he waits by the door while his wards collect their belongings and leisurely climb out of the vehicle. Did anyone tell these kids they were going to school? I would have thought the uniforms and school type of accoutrements would have alerted them to this, but no they act surprised they need to exit the clown car.  They stroll away having gotten a kiss on the cheek or a pat on the head and dad pulls back into the front seat. WHILE THIS IS OCCURING……Traffic has backed up behind me and is now stopping all flow of traffic for Matlock. This backs up Hairspray and the vehicles waiting to exit the area. AND Sporty Spice Nun and her Back up Nuns are looking at an empty unloading area. An area he should have pulled to the front of 3 minutes ago.

I love Kendall’s school and all the Nuns that run it, but I’m calling in the Penguin! That Nun knew what was what. She had the Blues Brothers in line and I think she could shame my Religious Rule Breaker into getting in line with things………However judging that he drives around with a big blue and red polka dotted Ole Miss sticker on his car, he probably doesn’t embarrass too easily.  

Till Next Time!!

Chris

Grandparents day for Kendall

Well it's been a little while since I last posted, but I have been a little busy.

The man cave is almost complete. The audio video piece is complete and there are just a few cosmetic issues I need to address before I begin transforming it into a great room.

I am in the process of launching yet another company with some other individuals. Best Charity Network will look to micro finance individuals that need to raise money for a variety of needs. You can follow them at www.bestcharitynetwork.com

The in laws have just left my house after a 5 day visit and we are back to 75% normality. (Kenzley is gone with them for two weeks, so there is a small piece of the family missing.

Kristi's parents came in town for Kendall's "Grandparents Night". It was a chance for her to show off her school and introduce her grandparents to her teachers and friends. OR if you ask her....It was a chance to get dressed up in a pretty dress and socialize with everyone in the entire school. I'm not kidding. This kid knows everybody and everybody knows this kid. We weren't even in the school before she took off running to give Ms. Jenny a hug. Ms. Jenny is one of the aftercare nuns and LOVES my daughter. She is also a Florida fan and refers to Kendall as Gatorbait.Throughout the night she ran from one kid to the next. Saying hi and pointing out her grandparents. There was no pattern. Guys and girls. Her age and older. White and Black. Shy kids and playful kids. The one thing they all had in common is they lit up when she showed up and all of them told their parents who Kendall was. I was SUPER PROUD. I know the world will jade her up a little and dampen that spirit, but I hope this base she is establishing is firm enough to make that minimal.

Any who......

The Grandparents Night was interesting for a number of reasons, not the least of which was watching my little socialite dart from group to group. Kendall, thanks to mom's passing, has a very different set of grandparents. All of which arrived for grandparents night. Dad and Fran came, even though Dad was nominated for "Man of the Year" by the Chamber of Commerce. He pulled out of the running to attend Kendall's special night. Joyce and Pete drove in from GA to beam with pride in regards to one of my daughters and to steal the other one and keep her separated from her father that loves her very much. Mary and Eddie (Grandmary and Bumpy) came in to see the school as well. For anyone that doesn't know.....Mary is one of my mother's sisters. When mom passed away she stepped in by saying that she will never have grand kids and she wants to be a part of Kendall's life. I agreed pretty quickly. Eddie, who is a direct resemblance to Si Robertson from Duck Dynasty, wasn't on board all that much but has come full circle and probably spoils both of them the most. So Kendall's entourage was a little larger than most.

The night started off with a Spaghetti dinner. The best part about the dinner was the two teenagers that came to pick up your trash as if you were on camera somewhere. It was cooked in mass and I happen to be married to a Spaghetti master. She learned it from a Spaghetti Yoda named Bruna. So to say dinner was sub par would be an understatement. But hey. It was a small amount of money by Shakedown High's standards so what the hey. You also got a salad, a hard roll and some tea or lemonade. (However they forgot which cooler was which and the tea tasted like that Arizona half and half tea.)

After that was over we shuffled off to her room to show off her class. We were the first ones there and I know we looked a site when we came in. Mary handled the introductions and we went through the tour of the small classroom. Kendall showed off her cubby. That's where she keeps her personal effects and it was decorated very nicely. My father took this opportunity to tell the whole room that when I was in day care the cubby is where the teachers put you when you were not behaving. Not being one to know when to stop, he then told the nuns that I could almost always be found in my cubby when they came to pick me up. (Not true by the way! I was a good kid who was misunderstood in my time.) We looked over the artwork hanging from the walls. We checked out her VIP Bee poster. Side Note- She was the VIP Bee for the week. Every kid gets a little extra attention during their week and every kid gets to be the VIP Bee. We did a poster showing off Kendall and Kristi, Joyce, Pete and I went to Kendall's school to decorate cookies for a special treat. - End Side Note. We were pretty much through and were wrapping up the conversation when my father and my wife TURNED ON ME!!

"You know he calls you all nuns." My wife says to nun #1
"Sure does. AND he posts the storeys on his blog and Facebook page." My father says to nun #2

WHAT THE HOLY TRINITY?

You don't sell out your kid to the nuns. You don't leave your husband standing there looking like a kid who just said the Lord's prayer wrong before the nuns. It isn't acceptable. But yet here they were looking at me with accusing nun eyes. It was an interesting moment in time. I just stood there smiling and Kristi......LIKE KRISTI DOES just kept on talking!!!!

By the time she was done ratting me AND MY STORIES out I was ready to go. I had had enough. The nuns were laughing at the stories and that was fine. NUN #2 WANTED TO FRIEND REQUEST ME RIGHT THEN!!! "Oh that'll be fine Chris" Says Kristi......What?

Was it fine when that stupid mutt pulled the curtain back on the Wizard of Oz? NO
Was it fine when David Kujan played by Chazz Palmenteri realized that Verbal played by Kevin Spacey was really Keyser Söze? NO
Was it fine when Jafar outed Prince Alli as really being Aladdin? NO
Was it fine when Ademar followed "Sir Ulrich von Liechtenstein" to Cheapside and then turned him in as being lowly William Thatcher? NO
Was it fine when Kristi told the nuns that I talk about them online?


You all just said "No" didn't you? Like in a movie where the main character get the crowd all worked up!!!!!

So I am outed to the nuns and am probably on an eight-by-ten colour glossy photograph with circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back of each one explaining what I've done and to be used as evidence against me in the Vatican as we speak.

If I go silent look to the nuns. They know I know too much and they may try to stop me.

Picture Day and Round 2 of Lunchroom Duty

Well apparently I did a good enough job for the nuns to ask me back to Kendall’s school for another round of lunchroom duty. (I am on the schedule next month for every Wednesday…Hmmmm)

Today was a little easier than last time, because I knew what to expect.

 

 Passed security with no problem.

Found the room with no problem.

 Nodded to Captain Lunchroom Awesomepants with no problem.

Even brought my own gloves this time. Large! From the BBQ stash.

 

Today I stood in the room waiting patiently for Kendall and the others to arrive. This time I was nervous for a whole other reason. Today was picture day. Kendall had her school pictures done first thing this morning and I wanted to see if the prep work Kristi and I did on her this morning had held up.

 

Cut to 6:00 this VERY am.

 

My alarm went off at the same time Kristi’s went off. I shot up out of the bed like it was on fire. It was picture day and it WAS ON! I have moved quickly in the morning probably a total of 5 times in my life.

 

1&2) Both mornings when Kristi said. “It’s time”

3) My wedding day

4)The day I left for college

5)When the Tombstone collectors DVD came out.

 

Today was important. Kristi cannot have a bad picture and I knew it. It was do or die time with Kendall’s hair. We had hoped that she would have hair like her aunt Donna. She doesn’t. It’s thin and a little stringy, but I have been told that it will catch up in awhile. This morning we had to work on it. Kristi hit her with the straightener, I hit her with the anti-frizz goop. Kristi affixed her headband and I took her to the ‘80s with a good dose of AquaNet. She looked quite impressive.

 

There were only two options for this picture. She could ace them like my mom did in all her years of teaching. I swear her school picture and her signature never changed the entire time she taught school. I’m pretty certain the DMV got the idea of just carrying over your old picture from mom. Just change the date and be done with it. Or…….She could be like me. I had a penchant for looking like I just sucked a lemon in my pictures. If it wasn’t that it was my eyes being closed. If you didn’t know better you would think I was stoned in 2^nd grade through 10^th grade.

 

As she rounded the corner of the Multi-Purpose Room, I felt my heart drop. The headband was gone. The AquaNet had lost it’s 80s magic. She looked like she had just done wind testing for a new Chuck Yeager airplane. BUT, she lit up like a Christmas tree when she saw me and waved, even though I know she is not supposed to.  I asked her what happened and she said the headband hurt her ears.  I told her it was ok. She said her hair felt crunchy and I told her it was ok. One of the nuns told me she did fine. Her hair didn’t come apart till after and she is sure that her pictures turned out fine. (She better not be lying to me. That’s another one of the “Thou shalt nots”)

 

Lunch started this time a lot better off than last time. I, apparently, am what you might call a little famous with the little ones. I got a few “Hi Mr. Chris”s and one or two “I remember you”s (Next week I am wearing my “I’m kinda a big deal” shirt…because well to these little kids….I am)

 

Any who.

 

A number of them remembered me from last time and immediately asked me to help them with their lunch. Same old routine this time as well.

 

Yogurt opened.

Peaches drained.

Lunchables opened.

Soup bowls unscrewed.

 

I worked my magic and proceeded to sit with Kendall and talk to her about her day. I didn’t get far. Teddie (apparently I can’t use real names) decided he was ready for dessert. No way. You’ve only been here 10 minutes and you couldn’t have……..Dear Lord he’s finished.  This kid had wiped out his school lunch in under 10 minutes. Now granted it wasn’t that hearty. Today was 2 pancakes, 1 sausage patty and homemade fries. (Breakfast for lunch???) Teddie had knocked it out. He even slurped up the syrup the nuns came around and put on his pancakes.  (Some of the kids just ate that…..nothing else. Good luck with that Sister What a Horrible Idea) I asked when he could have his dessert and was told they like to wait till 5 minutes left in lunch. I would have to hold him off for 15 minutes. One of the nuns said he was always starving by the time lunch got around. He just eats a lot. Growing boy and what not…… OK

 

I walked around to check on my other wards. Some of them were doing just fine. Most were making a horrible mess. I stopped one girl from eating her cookie off the ground. I helped another dig her bow out of her hair. If she had gone after it the PBJ sandwich she just molded into a flower might have made her blonde locks a little sticky.  I checked on them all and came to two conclusions.

 

1 ----->My little girl eats so much better than most of these kids.

I always knew that MJ had done us a great service by getting Kendall hooked on veggies and fruits. We shy away from the crap lunches and to the most part Kendall enjoys what we send to school. Some of these kids make me want to call their parents. One had half a ham sandwich, cheetos, cheese its, animal crackers and fun stripes cookies.  The ham sandwich went untouched even at my prodding . It was that sandwich that brought me to …….

 

2 -------> There is a black market for food that Teddie doesn’t know about. There is a ton of food that goes untouched in that room. I may take a little bucket with his picture on it and just pass it around to the kids next week. Can Teddie get a little ham? Don’t want those carrots? Teddie loves carrots. Not a real fan of the grapes? Teddie goes APES for GRAPES!

 

The clincher of the day was dessert. Today for all those that ate the school breakfast/syrup soup for lunch……Pudding with cool whip and sprinkles.  (Just what they need) I passed out the desserts to all the kids that got one and fended off a few that were put out by not receiving one. The majority just dove in and was content. The girls at the far table were not.  All four of them wanted me to pick out the sprinkles.

 

“Why”

“We don’t like sprinkles”

“What the Mother Mary are you talking about?”

“We don’t like sprinkles.”

 

Who doesn’t like sprinkles? Those are awesome. That’s like not liking Christmas. That’s like not liking Turkey and Stuffing. That’s like not liking the smell of bacon. That’s like not liking….well I’ll say it. That’s like not liking THE USA! Everything is better with sprinkles. It just works. The only “Sprinkles” I don’t like is a clown. That dude freak me out.

But I was at the mercy of the little ones, so I went around scooping up all the cool whip and sprinkles into a big old cup and throwing it away.

 

 I turned just in time to see Teddie………His mouth agape with a tear rolling down the side of his face.

 

 

 

Lunch with Kendall and the Nuns

When Kendall first started school, we had to attend a parent teacher class. It was there that the nuns explained how they were going to teach her to color and count and sit still and all that stuff they learn in Jr. K. At the end of this meeting we were handed a sheet and asked what volunteer opportunities looked interesting. I signed up for lunch room assistant. 2 times a month I would help with the kids lunch.

This is the story of my first day as Captain Lunch Room Assistant.

I arrived at school 15 minutes before lunch like I was told and went to check in at the office. After being buzzed in at the door, signed in at the office, carded, given my hall pass, passing my drug test, answering 25 advanced physics questions and completing an obstacle course much like the ones on “Wipeout” I was told to go to the Multipurpose Room. That is where the little ones eat. I explained that I have never done this and asked where the room was located. “Go out the door and past the first grade classes. Take a right, a left and another right. Pass the double doors and you will run right into the room. I followed the instructions to the letter and ended up looking in on music class. Either she is horrible at directions or I messed up. So I did what all men did…..Winged it. A passing group of little ones with lunch boxes in hand led the way and I found the room I was looking for.

I was one of two assistants today and the guy that was there with me got a PhD in Classroom Assistantology. (Liberal Colleges and their goofy degrees) He gave me the 5 minute tour of how to open milk, tear off the tops of school lunches and when to give out help. I waited patiently for the arrival of the kids.

It wasn’t long before they began to arrive. School boxes, lunch bags in hand they filed into the room looking at me like they look at the monkeys at the zoo. Most sat down without incident and some started eating right away. I, being the awesome helper I am, started ripping into yogurts, raisins and fruit bowls on command. About two kids into my responsibility, I was told by one of the nuns that I should be wearing latex gloves for handling food.  (Missed that one Mr. PhD) So I went to get some off the table. Small. That is all they had. Small. OJ did a better job in court putting on gloves than I did. My thumb got stuck in the finger hole and I ripped one all together. Finally my BBQ sense caught up to me and I blew them up while I slid my fingers into the appropriate holes. Success. I looked at Kendall and she was laughing.

Off I went. Capri Suns were opened and the kids settled into a decent routine. I went over to check on Kendall. She introduced me to her friends and I immediately wanted to move her to another table. Freddie looked like he was used to eating in prison or an orphanage. Both arms were wrapped around his tray and he had one hand submerged in his green beans and another was crushing his grilled cheese in an attempt to force the whole thing in his mouth.

“Buddy you’re going to choke!” No reply.

The Asian girl who sat across from her told me he wasn’t.

“He always eats like that. He eats too fast all the time. Kendall doesn’t eat too fast. She doesn’t always eat all of her food. Sometimes she eats some and then her dessert. Mattie always eats her dessert first, but you’re not supposed to. You have to eat all your food. My mommy checks mine when I get home. I tell her if I ate it all or not………..” I never really caught her name so I just called her Oprah.

The nuns came around and made sure all the kids were eating before they sat down. One of them figured out that I was Kendall’s daughter and said “Kendall tells me you make the best Roast Beef and that is what she is having for dinner.” I smiled and said thanks and went back to my duties. I needed to go tell Kendall that we weren’t having that tonight. Upon doing this, Kendall felt the need to let her teacher know that we would in fact not be having Roast tonight because she had dance. Kendall screams “Mrs. Cambell!! Daddy said we aren’t having roast.” I almost jumped on her. Come on sweetheart.  Don’t narc me out to the nuns. They get all testy about lying. It’s one of the “Thou shall nots” It’s like number 6 or something. Eat your carrots.

Blondie to Kendall’s right asked why I wasn’t eating.

“Well honey I’ve already eaten lunch.” I said

“What” asked Blonide

“I had 2 chicken sandwiches before I got here.”

“2 CHICKEN SANDWICHES?!?!? THAT’S SO MUCH FOOD!!! HOW DO YOU EAT ALL THAT?!?!?!”

“………………..Don’t judge me. You’ll get love handles one day too missy. We can’t all sit around coloring pictures of faries and getting stickers for not pooping in our pants. I wish I could play on the playground and take naps duing the day, but I can’t. I have to put food on the table and make enough money  to send my daughter here with little judgmental midgets like you. So eat your grapes and shut it!!” (Is what I said in my head)

At this point I needed to make my rounds and clear my head. I joked with the kids about their lunch. One girl asked if I could open her thermos. I loudly proclaimed as I opened it that it looked like turtle soup. She had 5 kids on her immediately to see what turtle soup looked like. One boy asked me to throw his wrapper to his fruit gummies away. I asked if he stuffed them in his ear and he said no. When I looked I told him I saw a red dinosaur looking back at me. As I looked back, his friend was giving him a second opinion. All in all I was surprised at how well the kids were doing. There were a few that looked like they had never had a structured feeding in their like. One girl was chewing her food so violently that most of it fell on the table. (She picked it up and shoved it back in her mouth). One boy almost popped trying to get all the yogurt out of his yogurt tube. I told him it was all gone and you would have thought I carved up the Easter Bunny right in front of him.

I went back to Kendall’s table to spend the rest of the time I had with her and her classmates. Nicholas, one of the kids at her table asked to see my hands. I showed him my hands and he asked why the palms were yellow. (The gloves tend to change colors.) I told him it was the oranges and not the profuse amount of hand sweat that was building up in my palms. These gloves were so tight that I was sweating in them and they were turning yellow like an athletes undershirt. This was the coolest thing this kid had ever seen. I must have showed him my hands 10 times in the final 15 minutes.

Freddie.

This boy had finished up eating/mauling his lunch and was ready for dessert. The kids that get school lunches, get a dessert. Today it was Little Debbie Oatmeal Cream Pies. Freddie was READY!

“I want my dessert .”

“Well the other kids haven’t finished all their food buddy”

“I want my dessert”

“Why don’t we wash your hands”

“I want my dessert.” This time with finger planted firmly up his nose.

His teacher overheard the conversation and said I could pass them all out. She also said that I should get Freddie a paper towel and some hand sanitizer. (I was thinking a shower and bleach water, but you work with what you have) I bought Freddie a big hand full of napkins and the Costco sized thing of hand sanitizer. I gave him one full pump and he just looked at me.

“It’s too much” He said

“No buddy I think you need that much. Just start around the elbows and work your way up. You should be ok if you start there.”

He did and then proceeded to try and use one napkin. I shoved more in front of him, but he was intent on the one. After it was good and balled up in his hand we went after the other hand. He dropped his napkin. I heard Kendall say ever so helpfully “I got it Daddy”

“NOOOOO”

All the kids and a couple of the nuns turned around.

“It’s dirty honey. I’ll get it” With my nasty little sweat hands.

Lunch came to an end and I helped clean up spills and throw away trash while the kids lined up in a line. I peeled off my gloves and wiped down the sweat with the napkins Freddie’s lunch hadn’t consumed. I went to give Kendall an hug before she went back to class. A hug and a kiss later and I was feeling pretty good about my lunch.

Then Freddie jumped on my back. Then Maddie wanted a hug. Then Oprah. Then Nicholas. I was covered in kids. This was not good. Not because I felt overpowered. Not because I didn’t like the kids. Not because I minded giving them all hugs…..It was due to Virtus training.

(Backstory)

When you sign up to help at the nun school, you have to take Virtus class. It is a 2 hour class where they teach you how to spot and prevent child predators. It was the worst 2 hours of my life. It forever changed me and I never want to see that movie again. These predators talked on camera about how they got kids to do what they wanted and the kids talked about how it made them feel. I told Kristi that it changed me. I love playing with kids. I wrestle with my friends kids all the time. I have a great time roughhousing with them.

DONE!

After watching this movie I was convinced that somebody was going to accuse me of being one of those monsters in the movie. It was this thought that hit me as all the kids were climbing on me.  Kids you all have to stop. They are going to think I am a monster. Kids stop. STOP.

One of the nuns came to my rescue and told the kids to get off me and that I wasn’t a jungle gym. They slowly peeled themselves off me. Kendall walked away with her class and looked back on her daddy who was in the fetal position silently crying. “No means No. No means No.”

I composed myself and turned my card into the office. One of the nuns asked if I would be back.

“Yup. Next Wednesday”

“We didn’t scare you off with all that noise and the mess”

“Nah. I’ve been around chickens so I was prepared for this. Besides, you should spend time with my wife’s family during the holidays. Talk about a lot of noise and a mess.”