I'm not sure what has happened over the last three weeks, but people have lost their minds. It may be the long winter months spent cooped up with their families or the weird hot then cold weather, but whatever it is has them starved for conversation. So much so that they look to odd places to strike one up. Specifically....to me!

Now I have never had a problem carrying a conversation. I think I am a pretty nice guy and I would even venture to say that my friends enjoy conversing with me on a wide variety of topics. BUT these people are not my friends AND they corner me in odd places and with stupid questions. I feel like I am living the Bill Engval "Here's your Sign" CD at times.

Some examples:

Recently I went to Target to pick up God knows what. (It seems that I am always needing something from Target, but I never can tell you exactly what it is. It's as if as soon as I purchase an item and leave the store they hit me with a forgetful ray and I am lost as to what I got at Target just the other day) But... I digress.

On this particular trip I was distracted by something pink in the children's section. It happens all the time. For as much as I give Kristi grief about buying Kendall clothes, I am in fact the biggest spender when it comes to her outfits. I swear I find something EVERY TIME I WALK IN THE DOOR!!  This particular time I am in the middle of browsing the 4T tops when a lady with a Target name badge walks up and utters those words I cannot stand "Can I help you find something?" Now. Do I look inept? Do I look confused in the land of Dora tights and lace tops? Do I stop and ask for help? No. No. and No. However, it is the job of this woman to ask if I am in need of assistance and I am fine with that. As time goes on however I notice that she is hovering. I hate hovering! I can feel her eyes on me as I head towards the clearance isle and that is when she pounces. "What exactly are you looking for?" *Sigh*

Me: "Just Looking"

Her: "Anything Specific"

ME: "No just killing time"

Her: "We have a sale going on"

Me: "Yeah the big red tag screaming CLEARANCE gave that away" (Ok.....I didn't say that)

Me: "Thanks"

Her: "Are you shopping for a girl?"

Now....I am holding a dress. A pink dress. A pink dress with a beige flower on the front. AM I SHOPPING FOR A GIRL? What the hell is the matter with you? Am I shopping for a girl? Of course I am. Did you think I was shopping for a boy? Yes I am shopping for a boy. I want him to grow up to be like Perez Hilton. No No No I am shopping for my dog. I was dressing her in those little doggie sweaters, but that looked so stupid.  These are the people I am dealing with.

Here is a list of others with my AWESOME "What my mouth wanted to say and my brain told me no answers."

Costco: I am back on my smoothie kick and went to Costco to stock up on fruit. (I freeze them in bags and pull them out when needed.) I purchased a ton of fruit. Enough to make about 30 of these little bags.

Costco Employee: "Man that's a lot of fruit"

Me: "Yes you guys do sell in quite the large quantity"

Costco Employee: "What do you do with all that fruit"

Me: A) "It hides the smell of the bodies"

Me: B) "You've never heard of Organic Fruit of the Looms?"

Me: C) "Ummm Nothing. My wife is allergic to fruit. Ha. Ha Ha Ha. HA HA HA HA HA!!"

Gas Station: I am trying to get gas at the local rape and pump when the machine gives me an error message. Instead of leaving and going elsewhere I decide to deal with the $10 an hour employee

Gas Girl: "Is it not working?"

Me :"Yes it is working fine. I just wanted to thank you for talking on your cell phone while I waited"

Gas Girl: "The credit card machine is acting weird."

Me: "Gathered that. Can I pay by card or not?"

Gas Girl: "It would be better if you had money."

Me: "I do have money. And with the push of 4 secret numbers, the magic money fairy sends it to you"

Gas Girl: "You can try the ATM machine."

Me: "Do you have one in here?"

Gas Girl: "No. Closest one is at the Shell across the street. You can get money there and come back if you want"

Me: "You are the 99%"

Grocery Store: I have a Keurig coffee maker and LOVE it. I buy the K-Cups, but I also get my own coffee to put in there as well. I bought a big thing of ground beans and had to go through the "Express Isle" Or the "I can't count past 15 and only really know how to pick out smokes. That's why I am working this counter" Lane.

Rain Man: "Coffee huh?" (Seriously. That's what he said)

Me: "Uhhhh yeah"

Rain Man: "You like coffee?"

Me: "Nope. I'm trying to quit smoking and it helps. When I feel the need for a smoke I rub the grounds into my eyes."

Me: "One two Freddie's coming for you........"

Me: "Not so much but my 4 year old cries if she doesn't get enough of it."

The last one actually happened. After a couple of "Set up drinks" I got nominated to go to Lowes to pick up something for our BBQ team.

Lowes Greeter: "Hello sir what are you looking for?"

Me: "A girl with low morals and daddy issues......Isle what 5?"

The guy behind me almost choked on his coffee.

Till next time!!