My run in with Toshiba's Customer Service

So from time to time my wife hears me tell a story and says I should share it with the like three people that actually read these things. This is one of those times. The problem in this story is that

1) It was was a very grown up conversation which had a slew of inappropriate language.
2) There are voices that I can do in person, but cannot replicate in print.

SOOOOOOO

1)The adult language will be replaced with well know fruit.
2) The level of speakable English  will be reflected in a 0-10 scale with 0 being horrible and 10 being perfect. (There are no 10's in this story)

This is your only disclaimer. If you are not a fan of bad language........Go here.
If you think it is cruel of me to mimic Indians (The dot kind not the feather kind...they rock).......Go Here

We begin

My hp has been dropped on the ground more times than I can recall. I have had this laptop for 5 years. It has grown up with Kendall and needless to say it has seen it's fair share of Kendall. It isn't her fault as much as mine. I left it in the chair, on the arm rest of the recliner on a TV tray....you name a precarious space and I have left it there. The other day I noticed the speed was slower than usual and the images were getting fuzzy. I have been investigating some low end laptops and decided it was time to purchase a new one.

Off the Office Depot I went to pick up my Toshiba that had gone on sale. The process was relatively quick and I was back home shortly with my new laptop. Yeah!!!

I fired this bad boy up only to be introduced to Window's 8. A brand new windows platform. Just what I never wanted. This thing is horrible!! It took me a minute to catch my breath before the automatic "Set up your laptop" process began. I went through all the steps till I hit the submit registration button at which time I received an error message. I wasn't connected to the Internet. I followed the bass ackwards directions on how to find the Internet icon and clicked the Thomas connection. I entered my password and viola.....Nothing.

What the duce?

I tried again.......Nothing.
I tried another computer and nothing.........COMCAST!!!!

Kristi called Satan's Cable Company and they online chatted to a fix whilst I was at a lunch meeting. Upon my arrival the problem had been fixed. All the laptops in the house were connected to the Internet.......except the new one. I tried all the fixes I knew and came to conclusion that this was above my pay grade and I needed help. Luckily for me there was a number for "Customer Support" on the box. The following is the conversation that followed.

The people I am talking to will be in Red
My speech will remain in Black
My brain's comments will be in Blue

Thank you for holding this is Daniel can I help you? (Daniel ranks a 7 on previously posted English meter)
Hey Daniel I am having a problem connecting my new laptop to the Internet and am looking for some assistance.
Have to tried our online forums and support? They typically have all the related information there on line.
What the apple? Did you not hear my problem?
No due to the fact that I cannot connect to the Internet.
Well that is a relatively easy solution most of the time and you have reached the level 3 support center.
GREAT then you will be more than qualified to help me resolve this issue.
Well it is not the typical assistance we provide. There can be a number of issues why it is not getting a wireless signal. It could be....
Wait Daniel. I am getting the wireless signal. I see all kinds of bars on the screen, but when I go to connect to any webpage it says the connection to the Internet is not working. The router and the computer can see each other they just won't talk to each other.
I understand. Again I am a level three support operator and can work through these issues with you.
What is with this guy and his level 3 status?
Is he trying to sound all important or is he really happy to be a level 3 guy. Does he rub it in the faces of level 1 and 2 guys? Is he that guy? Who has two thumbs and kicks the pineapple out of level 1 and 2 guys?
This guy!!!

Ok great.

It looks like you have a service warranty on your laptop for the first year.
Correct
It is a level one warranty and I am a level 3 service provider. We can certainly handle this issue for you. The problem is that your router probably supports windows 7 but is not set up for windows 8. We would need to go into your router and have it updated to accept wireless signals from the Windows 8 platform.
Sounds great, but will that mess up my other devices that are currently on that router?
I am not sure sir, I do not know what other devices are on the router.
Well there goes all level 3 points there sparky.
Ok well keep this in mind while we work on this problem, because if those get messed up I am going to be a little upset.
OK sir. For this to occur you are going to need our level 3 support plan which is $165 for one year and you get 3 phone calls and a full year of online support. We guarantee all our support will resolve 100% of your problems.
Fine let's.....Wait what?
For this to occur you are going to need our level 3 support plan which is $165 for one year and you get 3 phone calls and a full year of online support. We guarantee all our support will resolve 100% of your problems.
No. We're not going to be doing that. I don't need to pay you to fix a problem with your machine. Let me talk to whomever can help me for free.
Sir you have a level one warranty and
Ok hook me up with one of those guys.
Sir they will not be able to help you at that level.
Why not?
It is not something a level one support member can fix.
Have you ever given them the opportunity?
Sir?
Have you ever walked down the hall to the level one room and just said. "Who wants to step it up?"
Ummmm
I'm done with this guy and need to get above his head, but I might as well have some fun with him while getting there. Reminds me of my old recruiting days.
Daniel, somewhere in that room is a level 1 guy who dreams of fixing the big problems. The router and windows 8 problems. Someone who dreams of greatness and you have the opportunity to give him a shot. Let's do it together Daniel. Me and you. It'll fix my problem. He will have a great day and you get the warm feeling associated by helping others. It's a win all around.
.........
Daniel?
Yes. I'm still here. Ummm would you like to proceed with the level 3 service plan?
No. I'm not paying you guys any money. Can you fix this problem for me WITHOUT me paying for it?
No sir.
Then I am done with you. Let me speak to a manager.
I'm not sure one is available sir.
I'm sure there is one somewhere around there.
I'm not sure who I would put you in contact with sir.
OK if someone in your office walked up and slapped you grapes out of you who would you go report that to?
Sir?
The person you would go crying  to.....Put him on the phone.
Hold please.
Stupid. See this is what happens when you have a government that drives up the price of labor with high taxes and crap regulations. I bet this level 3 cat gets a decent amount of money for where he lives. It wouldn't support a family here in the US. That's why they go overseas for "support centers"
Meanwhile I'm sitting here wasting time talking to...
Hello? This is Bangalin (English level 4)
I'm sorry? Who am I speaking to?
Bangalin.
Wow. Ok are you a manager?
Yes sir one of the managers of the level 3 support group.

Jesus! I bet these guys have t-shirts and secret hand shakes.
Ok. Did Daniel tell you my problem?
Yes sir and unfortunately it is a problem that requires level 3 support. I understand the fee is a problem.
Yes. See I bought an item from you and your item doesn't work. I think that making sure that item works should be free of charge.
Is there a problem with the computer?
Yes it is not connecting to the Internet.
That is a problem with the router and Windows 8 sir. Not the computer.
Ohhhhhh we want to play this game? Bring it Bangalin!!!
Not your computer?
Yes sir.
Windows 8 came installed on the computer.
Yes sir.
I didn't install it. You guys did. It is a function of your product, therefore it is a problem with your product. If it was a third party install I would be calling them. It's not. It's your computer that isn't talking to my router.
Sir. What router are you using?
AirPort
How old is it?
4 years old.
Sir some of the older routers are not Windows 8 compliant and therefore need to be upgraded.
Great let's do that.
Sir that is an issue with your router.
No. It's sill an issue with Toshiba. I mean you guys did know there were routers already in the marketplace correct?
Yes sir but we
I figured you did. I mean you being a level 3 guy and all.
Sir?
And a manager at that. Way to go. Big step. So now that we are both on the same page.....let's fix my problem.
Sir the only way to do that is through our level 3 support package and you don't want to pay that.
Why the bananas would I pay that?
Sir?
Why? I purchased your product. Your product isn't compatible with existing technology. You apparently know this and have set up an awesome level 3 staff to deal with it. You then want to charge me a fee to get this service when I was under the impression that it would work when I bought it. That's some mob mango right there.
Sir you have a level 1 warranty.
Well then tell a level 1 guy to fix my problem.
That is not what they do.
Well what the strawberry do they do?
This isn't going to work. I'm not going to get this fixed. I could quit now or just make myself feel better by abusing this guy.............I'm not a quitter.
Sir they deal with issues such as..
I want to talk to one.
Sir?
I want to talk to one. Put one on the line.
I'm afraid they cannot help you.
Then give me my money back.
What money?
My level 1 warranty money.
It comes free with all purchases.
Something that does me no good is free, but something that could actually help me is going to cost me extra?
Yes sir.
That's your business model?
........
Where do we go from here?
I'm afraid that there is nothing I am allowed to do.
What can I do?
We have a complaint department.
Oh I kiwing bet you do with the crap customer service I'm getting.
Put them on the line.
It is a recording
What is
You would record your complaint and someone would get back to you.
......
Sir?
Yeah I'm still processing that one. Sit tight.
.....
So your saying that I cant even rasin out a person at this point? I have to record this and hope someone calls me back?
Yes sir.
Tell me when you are ready to record.
Hold on.

"Hi this is the Toshiba complaint line. We are sorry you are having problems with out Toshiba line of products. Please leave a detailed description of your problem and someone will get back to you shortly." (English 6)

BULL ORANGES!! You don't care I'm having problems. If you guys did you would help me fix those problems. But no here I sit talking to a blackberry machine while the level 3 jack apricots laugh in my face. What the cherry kind of company is this? I get a laptop that can't connect to the Internet because of the bull date windows 8 you put on it and you tell me that's not your fault? If this is so common HONEYDEW FIX IT! I bought your computer because I thought it was a good value. I have since found out that it might be a good computer with some glitches, but the desire of the company to fix these problems is Grapefruit. Please call me back at 901- GO WATERMELON YOURSELF at your earliest convenience. If I am out leave a message as I am probably returning your Peach.

This entire post was typed on my old hp. I think I'll let Kenzley have a run at it for the next few years.