Picture Day and Round 2 of Lunchroom Duty

Well apparently I did a good enough job for the nuns to ask me back to Kendall’s school for another round of lunchroom duty. (I am on the schedule next month for every Wednesday…Hmmmm)

Today was a little easier than last time, because I knew what to expect.

 

 Passed security with no problem.

Found the room with no problem.

 Nodded to Captain Lunchroom Awesomepants with no problem.

Even brought my own gloves this time. Large! From the BBQ stash.

 

Today I stood in the room waiting patiently for Kendall and the others to arrive. This time I was nervous for a whole other reason. Today was picture day. Kendall had her school pictures done first thing this morning and I wanted to see if the prep work Kristi and I did on her this morning had held up.

 

Cut to 6:00 this VERY am.

 

My alarm went off at the same time Kristi’s went off. I shot up out of the bed like it was on fire. It was picture day and it WAS ON! I have moved quickly in the morning probably a total of 5 times in my life.

 

1&2) Both mornings when Kristi said. “It’s time”

3) My wedding day

4)The day I left for college

5)When the Tombstone collectors DVD came out.

 

Today was important. Kristi cannot have a bad picture and I knew it. It was do or die time with Kendall’s hair. We had hoped that she would have hair like her aunt Donna. She doesn’t. It’s thin and a little stringy, but I have been told that it will catch up in awhile. This morning we had to work on it. Kristi hit her with the straightener, I hit her with the anti-frizz goop. Kristi affixed her headband and I took her to the ‘80s with a good dose of AquaNet. She looked quite impressive.

 

There were only two options for this picture. She could ace them like my mom did in all her years of teaching. I swear her school picture and her signature never changed the entire time she taught school. I’m pretty certain the DMV got the idea of just carrying over your old picture from mom. Just change the date and be done with it. Or…….She could be like me. I had a penchant for looking like I just sucked a lemon in my pictures. If it wasn’t that it was my eyes being closed. If you didn’t know better you would think I was stoned in 2^nd grade through 10^th grade.

 

As she rounded the corner of the Multi-Purpose Room, I felt my heart drop. The headband was gone. The AquaNet had lost it’s 80s magic. She looked like she had just done wind testing for a new Chuck Yeager airplane. BUT, she lit up like a Christmas tree when she saw me and waved, even though I know she is not supposed to.  I asked her what happened and she said the headband hurt her ears.  I told her it was ok. She said her hair felt crunchy and I told her it was ok. One of the nuns told me she did fine. Her hair didn’t come apart till after and she is sure that her pictures turned out fine. (She better not be lying to me. That’s another one of the “Thou shalt nots”)

 

Lunch started this time a lot better off than last time. I, apparently, am what you might call a little famous with the little ones. I got a few “Hi Mr. Chris”s and one or two “I remember you”s (Next week I am wearing my “I’m kinda a big deal” shirt…because well to these little kids….I am)

 

Any who.

 

A number of them remembered me from last time and immediately asked me to help them with their lunch. Same old routine this time as well.

 

Yogurt opened.

Peaches drained.

Lunchables opened.

Soup bowls unscrewed.

 

I worked my magic and proceeded to sit with Kendall and talk to her about her day. I didn’t get far. Teddie (apparently I can’t use real names) decided he was ready for dessert. No way. You’ve only been here 10 minutes and you couldn’t have……..Dear Lord he’s finished.  This kid had wiped out his school lunch in under 10 minutes. Now granted it wasn’t that hearty. Today was 2 pancakes, 1 sausage patty and homemade fries. (Breakfast for lunch???) Teddie had knocked it out. He even slurped up the syrup the nuns came around and put on his pancakes.  (Some of the kids just ate that…..nothing else. Good luck with that Sister What a Horrible Idea) I asked when he could have his dessert and was told they like to wait till 5 minutes left in lunch. I would have to hold him off for 15 minutes. One of the nuns said he was always starving by the time lunch got around. He just eats a lot. Growing boy and what not…… OK

 

I walked around to check on my other wards. Some of them were doing just fine. Most were making a horrible mess. I stopped one girl from eating her cookie off the ground. I helped another dig her bow out of her hair. If she had gone after it the PBJ sandwich she just molded into a flower might have made her blonde locks a little sticky.  I checked on them all and came to two conclusions.

 

1 ----->My little girl eats so much better than most of these kids.

I always knew that MJ had done us a great service by getting Kendall hooked on veggies and fruits. We shy away from the crap lunches and to the most part Kendall enjoys what we send to school. Some of these kids make me want to call their parents. One had half a ham sandwich, cheetos, cheese its, animal crackers and fun stripes cookies.  The ham sandwich went untouched even at my prodding . It was that sandwich that brought me to …….

 

2 -------> There is a black market for food that Teddie doesn’t know about. There is a ton of food that goes untouched in that room. I may take a little bucket with his picture on it and just pass it around to the kids next week. Can Teddie get a little ham? Don’t want those carrots? Teddie loves carrots. Not a real fan of the grapes? Teddie goes APES for GRAPES!

 

The clincher of the day was dessert. Today for all those that ate the school breakfast/syrup soup for lunch……Pudding with cool whip and sprinkles.  (Just what they need) I passed out the desserts to all the kids that got one and fended off a few that were put out by not receiving one. The majority just dove in and was content. The girls at the far table were not.  All four of them wanted me to pick out the sprinkles.

 

“Why”

“We don’t like sprinkles”

“What the Mother Mary are you talking about?”

“We don’t like sprinkles.”

 

Who doesn’t like sprinkles? Those are awesome. That’s like not liking Christmas. That’s like not liking Turkey and Stuffing. That’s like not liking the smell of bacon. That’s like not liking….well I’ll say it. That’s like not liking THE USA! Everything is better with sprinkles. It just works. The only “Sprinkles” I don’t like is a clown. That dude freak me out.

But I was at the mercy of the little ones, so I went around scooping up all the cool whip and sprinkles into a big old cup and throwing it away.

 

 I turned just in time to see Teddie………His mouth agape with a tear rolling down the side of his face.

 

 

 

Lunch with Kendall and the Nuns

When Kendall first started school, we had to attend a parent teacher class. It was there that the nuns explained how they were going to teach her to color and count and sit still and all that stuff they learn in Jr. K. At the end of this meeting we were handed a sheet and asked what volunteer opportunities looked interesting. I signed up for lunch room assistant. 2 times a month I would help with the kids lunch.

This is the story of my first day as Captain Lunch Room Assistant.

I arrived at school 15 minutes before lunch like I was told and went to check in at the office. After being buzzed in at the door, signed in at the office, carded, given my hall pass, passing my drug test, answering 25 advanced physics questions and completing an obstacle course much like the ones on “Wipeout” I was told to go to the Multipurpose Room. That is where the little ones eat. I explained that I have never done this and asked where the room was located. “Go out the door and past the first grade classes. Take a right, a left and another right. Pass the double doors and you will run right into the room. I followed the instructions to the letter and ended up looking in on music class. Either she is horrible at directions or I messed up. So I did what all men did…..Winged it. A passing group of little ones with lunch boxes in hand led the way and I found the room I was looking for.

I was one of two assistants today and the guy that was there with me got a PhD in Classroom Assistantology. (Liberal Colleges and their goofy degrees) He gave me the 5 minute tour of how to open milk, tear off the tops of school lunches and when to give out help. I waited patiently for the arrival of the kids.

It wasn’t long before they began to arrive. School boxes, lunch bags in hand they filed into the room looking at me like they look at the monkeys at the zoo. Most sat down without incident and some started eating right away. I, being the awesome helper I am, started ripping into yogurts, raisins and fruit bowls on command. About two kids into my responsibility, I was told by one of the nuns that I should be wearing latex gloves for handling food.  (Missed that one Mr. PhD) So I went to get some off the table. Small. That is all they had. Small. OJ did a better job in court putting on gloves than I did. My thumb got stuck in the finger hole and I ripped one all together. Finally my BBQ sense caught up to me and I blew them up while I slid my fingers into the appropriate holes. Success. I looked at Kendall and she was laughing.

Off I went. Capri Suns were opened and the kids settled into a decent routine. I went over to check on Kendall. She introduced me to her friends and I immediately wanted to move her to another table. Freddie looked like he was used to eating in prison or an orphanage. Both arms were wrapped around his tray and he had one hand submerged in his green beans and another was crushing his grilled cheese in an attempt to force the whole thing in his mouth.

“Buddy you’re going to choke!” No reply.

The Asian girl who sat across from her told me he wasn’t.

“He always eats like that. He eats too fast all the time. Kendall doesn’t eat too fast. She doesn’t always eat all of her food. Sometimes she eats some and then her dessert. Mattie always eats her dessert first, but you’re not supposed to. You have to eat all your food. My mommy checks mine when I get home. I tell her if I ate it all or not………..” I never really caught her name so I just called her Oprah.

The nuns came around and made sure all the kids were eating before they sat down. One of them figured out that I was Kendall’s daughter and said “Kendall tells me you make the best Roast Beef and that is what she is having for dinner.” I smiled and said thanks and went back to my duties. I needed to go tell Kendall that we weren’t having that tonight. Upon doing this, Kendall felt the need to let her teacher know that we would in fact not be having Roast tonight because she had dance. Kendall screams “Mrs. Cambell!! Daddy said we aren’t having roast.” I almost jumped on her. Come on sweetheart.  Don’t narc me out to the nuns. They get all testy about lying. It’s one of the “Thou shall nots” It’s like number 6 or something. Eat your carrots.

Blondie to Kendall’s right asked why I wasn’t eating.

“Well honey I’ve already eaten lunch.” I said

“What” asked Blonide

“I had 2 chicken sandwiches before I got here.”

“2 CHICKEN SANDWICHES?!?!? THAT’S SO MUCH FOOD!!! HOW DO YOU EAT ALL THAT?!?!?!”

“………………..Don’t judge me. You’ll get love handles one day too missy. We can’t all sit around coloring pictures of faries and getting stickers for not pooping in our pants. I wish I could play on the playground and take naps duing the day, but I can’t. I have to put food on the table and make enough money  to send my daughter here with little judgmental midgets like you. So eat your grapes and shut it!!” (Is what I said in my head)

At this point I needed to make my rounds and clear my head. I joked with the kids about their lunch. One girl asked if I could open her thermos. I loudly proclaimed as I opened it that it looked like turtle soup. She had 5 kids on her immediately to see what turtle soup looked like. One boy asked me to throw his wrapper to his fruit gummies away. I asked if he stuffed them in his ear and he said no. When I looked I told him I saw a red dinosaur looking back at me. As I looked back, his friend was giving him a second opinion. All in all I was surprised at how well the kids were doing. There were a few that looked like they had never had a structured feeding in their like. One girl was chewing her food so violently that most of it fell on the table. (She picked it up and shoved it back in her mouth). One boy almost popped trying to get all the yogurt out of his yogurt tube. I told him it was all gone and you would have thought I carved up the Easter Bunny right in front of him.

I went back to Kendall’s table to spend the rest of the time I had with her and her classmates. Nicholas, one of the kids at her table asked to see my hands. I showed him my hands and he asked why the palms were yellow. (The gloves tend to change colors.) I told him it was the oranges and not the profuse amount of hand sweat that was building up in my palms. These gloves were so tight that I was sweating in them and they were turning yellow like an athletes undershirt. This was the coolest thing this kid had ever seen. I must have showed him my hands 10 times in the final 15 minutes.

Freddie.

This boy had finished up eating/mauling his lunch and was ready for dessert. The kids that get school lunches, get a dessert. Today it was Little Debbie Oatmeal Cream Pies. Freddie was READY!

“I want my dessert .”

“Well the other kids haven’t finished all their food buddy”

“I want my dessert”

“Why don’t we wash your hands”

“I want my dessert.” This time with finger planted firmly up his nose.

His teacher overheard the conversation and said I could pass them all out. She also said that I should get Freddie a paper towel and some hand sanitizer. (I was thinking a shower and bleach water, but you work with what you have) I bought Freddie a big hand full of napkins and the Costco sized thing of hand sanitizer. I gave him one full pump and he just looked at me.

“It’s too much” He said

“No buddy I think you need that much. Just start around the elbows and work your way up. You should be ok if you start there.”

He did and then proceeded to try and use one napkin. I shoved more in front of him, but he was intent on the one. After it was good and balled up in his hand we went after the other hand. He dropped his napkin. I heard Kendall say ever so helpfully “I got it Daddy”

“NOOOOO”

All the kids and a couple of the nuns turned around.

“It’s dirty honey. I’ll get it” With my nasty little sweat hands.

Lunch came to an end and I helped clean up spills and throw away trash while the kids lined up in a line. I peeled off my gloves and wiped down the sweat with the napkins Freddie’s lunch hadn’t consumed. I went to give Kendall an hug before she went back to class. A hug and a kiss later and I was feeling pretty good about my lunch.

Then Freddie jumped on my back. Then Maddie wanted a hug. Then Oprah. Then Nicholas. I was covered in kids. This was not good. Not because I felt overpowered. Not because I didn’t like the kids. Not because I minded giving them all hugs…..It was due to Virtus training.

(Backstory)

When you sign up to help at the nun school, you have to take Virtus class. It is a 2 hour class where they teach you how to spot and prevent child predators. It was the worst 2 hours of my life. It forever changed me and I never want to see that movie again. These predators talked on camera about how they got kids to do what they wanted and the kids talked about how it made them feel. I told Kristi that it changed me. I love playing with kids. I wrestle with my friends kids all the time. I have a great time roughhousing with them.

DONE!

After watching this movie I was convinced that somebody was going to accuse me of being one of those monsters in the movie. It was this thought that hit me as all the kids were climbing on me.  Kids you all have to stop. They are going to think I am a monster. Kids stop. STOP.

One of the nuns came to my rescue and told the kids to get off me and that I wasn’t a jungle gym. They slowly peeled themselves off me. Kendall walked away with her class and looked back on her daddy who was in the fetal position silently crying. “No means No. No means No.”

I composed myself and turned my card into the office. One of the nuns asked if I would be back.

“Yup. Next Wednesday”

“We didn’t scare you off with all that noise and the mess”

“Nah. I’ve been around chickens so I was prepared for this. Besides, you should spend time with my wife’s family during the holidays. Talk about a lot of noise and a mess.”

I'm not sure what has happened over the last three weeks, but people have lost their minds. It may be the long winter months spent cooped up with their families or the weird hot then cold weather, but whatever it is has them starved for conversation. So much so that they look to odd places to strike one up. Specifically....to me!

Now I have never had a problem carrying a conversation. I think I am a pretty nice guy and I would even venture to say that my friends enjoy conversing with me on a wide variety of topics. BUT these people are not my friends AND they corner me in odd places and with stupid questions. I feel like I am living the Bill Engval "Here's your Sign" CD at times.

Some examples:

Recently I went to Target to pick up God knows what. (It seems that I am always needing something from Target, but I never can tell you exactly what it is. It's as if as soon as I purchase an item and leave the store they hit me with a forgetful ray and I am lost as to what I got at Target just the other day) But... I digress.

On this particular trip I was distracted by something pink in the children's section. It happens all the time. For as much as I give Kristi grief about buying Kendall clothes, I am in fact the biggest spender when it comes to her outfits. I swear I find something EVERY TIME I WALK IN THE DOOR!!  This particular time I am in the middle of browsing the 4T tops when a lady with a Target name badge walks up and utters those words I cannot stand "Can I help you find something?" Now. Do I look inept? Do I look confused in the land of Dora tights and lace tops? Do I stop and ask for help? No. No. and No. However, it is the job of this woman to ask if I am in need of assistance and I am fine with that. As time goes on however I notice that she is hovering. I hate hovering! I can feel her eyes on me as I head towards the clearance isle and that is when she pounces. "What exactly are you looking for?" *Sigh*

Me: "Just Looking"

Her: "Anything Specific"

ME: "No just killing time"

Her: "We have a sale going on"

Me: "Yeah the big red tag screaming CLEARANCE gave that away" (Ok.....I didn't say that)

Me: "Thanks"

Her: "Are you shopping for a girl?"

Now....I am holding a dress. A pink dress. A pink dress with a beige flower on the front. AM I SHOPPING FOR A GIRL? What the hell is the matter with you? Am I shopping for a girl? Of course I am. Did you think I was shopping for a boy? Yes I am shopping for a boy. I want him to grow up to be like Perez Hilton. No No No I am shopping for my dog. I was dressing her in those little doggie sweaters, but that looked so stupid.  These are the people I am dealing with.

Here is a list of others with my AWESOME "What my mouth wanted to say and my brain told me no answers."

Costco: I am back on my smoothie kick and went to Costco to stock up on fruit. (I freeze them in bags and pull them out when needed.) I purchased a ton of fruit. Enough to make about 30 of these little bags.

Costco Employee: "Man that's a lot of fruit"

Me: "Yes you guys do sell in quite the large quantity"

Costco Employee: "What do you do with all that fruit"

Me: A) "It hides the smell of the bodies"

Me: B) "You've never heard of Organic Fruit of the Looms?"

Me: C) "Ummm Nothing. My wife is allergic to fruit. Ha. Ha Ha Ha. HA HA HA HA HA!!"

Gas Station: I am trying to get gas at the local rape and pump when the machine gives me an error message. Instead of leaving and going elsewhere I decide to deal with the $10 an hour employee

Gas Girl: "Is it not working?"

Me :"Yes it is working fine. I just wanted to thank you for talking on your cell phone while I waited"

Gas Girl: "The credit card machine is acting weird."

Me: "Gathered that. Can I pay by card or not?"

Gas Girl: "It would be better if you had money."

Me: "I do have money. And with the push of 4 secret numbers, the magic money fairy sends it to you"

Gas Girl: "You can try the ATM machine."

Me: "Do you have one in here?"

Gas Girl: "No. Closest one is at the Shell across the street. You can get money there and come back if you want"

Me: "You are the 99%"

Grocery Store: I have a Keurig coffee maker and LOVE it. I buy the K-Cups, but I also get my own coffee to put in there as well. I bought a big thing of ground beans and had to go through the "Express Isle" Or the "I can't count past 15 and only really know how to pick out smokes. That's why I am working this counter" Lane.

Rain Man: "Coffee huh?" (Seriously. That's what he said)

Me: "Uhhhh yeah"

Rain Man: "You like coffee?"

Me: "Nope. I'm trying to quit smoking and it helps. When I feel the need for a smoke I rub the grounds into my eyes."

Me: "One two Freddie's coming for you........"

Me: "Not so much but my 4 year old cries if she doesn't get enough of it."

The last one actually happened. After a couple of "Set up drinks" I got nominated to go to Lowes to pick up something for our BBQ team.

Lowes Greeter: "Hello sir what are you looking for?"

Me: "A girl with low morals and daddy issues......Isle what 5?"

The guy behind me almost choked on his coffee.

Till next time!!

Hello Dear Friend

Well, Well, Well It has been some time since I posted anything here and while there has been tons for me to talk and gripe about....There just hasn't been enough time.

Kendall has grown into a small version of myself



As well as a version of her mother

Which means she has been a ton of fun as well as a ton of work....You decide which half she gets which from.

BUT LET THIS SERVE as my official I am back post. Recently I have noticed that posting on Facebook gives me a quick vent, but some things require a little more than a quick shot.

Things like this...
http://news.yahoo.com/blogs/sideshow/video-president-obama-sings-born-way-lady-gaga-175659752.html (Great now I have proof that both are stupid)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=piaJF6YI8u0 (TOO FUNNY!!!)

http://www.theblaze.com/stories/financially-ruined-greece-decide-pedophiles-qualify-for-government-disability/ (That's Awesome IF "Government Disability" is Greek for "A bullet to the face".)

http://www.statesman.com/news/local/man-stole-goat-in-lakeway-served-it-at-1973965.html (I really want this recipe....and stealing goats is bad okay?)

http://totr.newsvine.com/_news/2012/01/07/10034066-joseph-d-lamberth-of-wetumpka-al-wants-to-castrate-president-all-liberals (WETUMPKA STRIKES!!! I know a few Joe's from Wetumpka. I know a Jamie and John and a Jason as well)

http://www.thefiscaltimes.com/Media/Slideshow/2011/06/20/Lady-Gaga-101.aspx (Click through the Slide show. NOTICE NONE OF THESE ARE AT ALABAMA!! RTR)

http://www.sportsgrid.com/nfl/marvel-espn-tim-tebow-comic-sketches/ (Great now I have to explain football to all my comic book loving friends)

http://www.news-leader.com/article/20120112/NEWS12/201120352/-1/NLETTER01/Woman-to-police--Dealer-tricked-her-in-crack-buy?source=nletter-news (I bet she can vote)

http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/4050805/Jodie-Marshs-PIP-breast-implant-fears-Will-my-boobs-explode.html (Ummmmmmm)

See. There are all kinds of stuff I can talk about.

My next post will be here soon. I have to get back to work.

PEACE OUT!!