Lunch with Kendall and the Nuns

When Kendall first started school, we had to attend a parent teacher class. It was there that the nuns explained how they were going to teach her to color and count and sit still and all that stuff they learn in Jr. K. At the end of this meeting we were handed a sheet and asked what volunteer opportunities looked interesting. I signed up for lunch room assistant. 2 times a month I would help with the kids lunch.

This is the story of my first day as Captain Lunch Room Assistant.

I arrived at school 15 minutes before lunch like I was told and went to check in at the office. After being buzzed in at the door, signed in at the office, carded, given my hall pass, passing my drug test, answering 25 advanced physics questions and completing an obstacle course much like the ones on “Wipeout” I was told to go to the Multipurpose Room. That is where the little ones eat. I explained that I have never done this and asked where the room was located. “Go out the door and past the first grade classes. Take a right, a left and another right. Pass the double doors and you will run right into the room. I followed the instructions to the letter and ended up looking in on music class. Either she is horrible at directions or I messed up. So I did what all men did…..Winged it. A passing group of little ones with lunch boxes in hand led the way and I found the room I was looking for.

I was one of two assistants today and the guy that was there with me got a PhD in Classroom Assistantology. (Liberal Colleges and their goofy degrees) He gave me the 5 minute tour of how to open milk, tear off the tops of school lunches and when to give out help. I waited patiently for the arrival of the kids.

It wasn’t long before they began to arrive. School boxes, lunch bags in hand they filed into the room looking at me like they look at the monkeys at the zoo. Most sat down without incident and some started eating right away. I, being the awesome helper I am, started ripping into yogurts, raisins and fruit bowls on command. About two kids into my responsibility, I was told by one of the nuns that I should be wearing latex gloves for handling food.  (Missed that one Mr. PhD) So I went to get some off the table. Small. That is all they had. Small. OJ did a better job in court putting on gloves than I did. My thumb got stuck in the finger hole and I ripped one all together. Finally my BBQ sense caught up to me and I blew them up while I slid my fingers into the appropriate holes. Success. I looked at Kendall and she was laughing.

Off I went. Capri Suns were opened and the kids settled into a decent routine. I went over to check on Kendall. She introduced me to her friends and I immediately wanted to move her to another table. Freddie looked like he was used to eating in prison or an orphanage. Both arms were wrapped around his tray and he had one hand submerged in his green beans and another was crushing his grilled cheese in an attempt to force the whole thing in his mouth.

“Buddy you’re going to choke!” No reply.

The Asian girl who sat across from her told me he wasn’t.

“He always eats like that. He eats too fast all the time. Kendall doesn’t eat too fast. She doesn’t always eat all of her food. Sometimes she eats some and then her dessert. Mattie always eats her dessert first, but you’re not supposed to. You have to eat all your food. My mommy checks mine when I get home. I tell her if I ate it all or not………..” I never really caught her name so I just called her Oprah.

The nuns came around and made sure all the kids were eating before they sat down. One of them figured out that I was Kendall’s daughter and said “Kendall tells me you make the best Roast Beef and that is what she is having for dinner.” I smiled and said thanks and went back to my duties. I needed to go tell Kendall that we weren’t having that tonight. Upon doing this, Kendall felt the need to let her teacher know that we would in fact not be having Roast tonight because she had dance. Kendall screams “Mrs. Cambell!! Daddy said we aren’t having roast.” I almost jumped on her. Come on sweetheart.  Don’t narc me out to the nuns. They get all testy about lying. It’s one of the “Thou shall nots” It’s like number 6 or something. Eat your carrots.

Blondie to Kendall’s right asked why I wasn’t eating.

“Well honey I’ve already eaten lunch.” I said

“What” asked Blonide

“I had 2 chicken sandwiches before I got here.”

“2 CHICKEN SANDWICHES?!?!? THAT’S SO MUCH FOOD!!! HOW DO YOU EAT ALL THAT?!?!?!”

“………………..Don’t judge me. You’ll get love handles one day too missy. We can’t all sit around coloring pictures of faries and getting stickers for not pooping in our pants. I wish I could play on the playground and take naps duing the day, but I can’t. I have to put food on the table and make enough money  to send my daughter here with little judgmental midgets like you. So eat your grapes and shut it!!” (Is what I said in my head)

At this point I needed to make my rounds and clear my head. I joked with the kids about their lunch. One girl asked if I could open her thermos. I loudly proclaimed as I opened it that it looked like turtle soup. She had 5 kids on her immediately to see what turtle soup looked like. One boy asked me to throw his wrapper to his fruit gummies away. I asked if he stuffed them in his ear and he said no. When I looked I told him I saw a red dinosaur looking back at me. As I looked back, his friend was giving him a second opinion. All in all I was surprised at how well the kids were doing. There were a few that looked like they had never had a structured feeding in their like. One girl was chewing her food so violently that most of it fell on the table. (She picked it up and shoved it back in her mouth). One boy almost popped trying to get all the yogurt out of his yogurt tube. I told him it was all gone and you would have thought I carved up the Easter Bunny right in front of him.

I went back to Kendall’s table to spend the rest of the time I had with her and her classmates. Nicholas, one of the kids at her table asked to see my hands. I showed him my hands and he asked why the palms were yellow. (The gloves tend to change colors.) I told him it was the oranges and not the profuse amount of hand sweat that was building up in my palms. These gloves were so tight that I was sweating in them and they were turning yellow like an athletes undershirt. This was the coolest thing this kid had ever seen. I must have showed him my hands 10 times in the final 15 minutes.

Freddie.

This boy had finished up eating/mauling his lunch and was ready for dessert. The kids that get school lunches, get a dessert. Today it was Little Debbie Oatmeal Cream Pies. Freddie was READY!

“I want my dessert .”

“Well the other kids haven’t finished all their food buddy”

“I want my dessert”

“Why don’t we wash your hands”

“I want my dessert.” This time with finger planted firmly up his nose.

His teacher overheard the conversation and said I could pass them all out. She also said that I should get Freddie a paper towel and some hand sanitizer. (I was thinking a shower and bleach water, but you work with what you have) I bought Freddie a big hand full of napkins and the Costco sized thing of hand sanitizer. I gave him one full pump and he just looked at me.

“It’s too much” He said

“No buddy I think you need that much. Just start around the elbows and work your way up. You should be ok if you start there.”

He did and then proceeded to try and use one napkin. I shoved more in front of him, but he was intent on the one. After it was good and balled up in his hand we went after the other hand. He dropped his napkin. I heard Kendall say ever so helpfully “I got it Daddy”

“NOOOOO”

All the kids and a couple of the nuns turned around.

“It’s dirty honey. I’ll get it” With my nasty little sweat hands.

Lunch came to an end and I helped clean up spills and throw away trash while the kids lined up in a line. I peeled off my gloves and wiped down the sweat with the napkins Freddie’s lunch hadn’t consumed. I went to give Kendall an hug before she went back to class. A hug and a kiss later and I was feeling pretty good about my lunch.

Then Freddie jumped on my back. Then Maddie wanted a hug. Then Oprah. Then Nicholas. I was covered in kids. This was not good. Not because I felt overpowered. Not because I didn’t like the kids. Not because I minded giving them all hugs…..It was due to Virtus training.

(Backstory)

When you sign up to help at the nun school, you have to take Virtus class. It is a 2 hour class where they teach you how to spot and prevent child predators. It was the worst 2 hours of my life. It forever changed me and I never want to see that movie again. These predators talked on camera about how they got kids to do what they wanted and the kids talked about how it made them feel. I told Kristi that it changed me. I love playing with kids. I wrestle with my friends kids all the time. I have a great time roughhousing with them.

DONE!

After watching this movie I was convinced that somebody was going to accuse me of being one of those monsters in the movie. It was this thought that hit me as all the kids were climbing on me.  Kids you all have to stop. They are going to think I am a monster. Kids stop. STOP.

One of the nuns came to my rescue and told the kids to get off me and that I wasn’t a jungle gym. They slowly peeled themselves off me. Kendall walked away with her class and looked back on her daddy who was in the fetal position silently crying. “No means No. No means No.”

I composed myself and turned my card into the office. One of the nuns asked if I would be back.

“Yup. Next Wednesday”

“We didn’t scare you off with all that noise and the mess”

“Nah. I’ve been around chickens so I was prepared for this. Besides, you should spend time with my wife’s family during the holidays. Talk about a lot of noise and a mess.”